Dear Reader,
I apologize for not writing about the focus of my trip--Italy--and for taking so long to inform you about it. It did happen and I have so much to write about; but, this project is going to be more extended than I had intended.
The last time I was in the park with my one true love, Beauty.
Upon my return home on July 1st, many truths were revealed. Of these, the most significant was the discovery that my beloved dog, Beauty, had been put to sleep on 5 June 2015. I have had a canine companion since I was a zygote; therefore, I realize that those of you that never had animals may find the following hard to understand.
Violet giving me direction while I try to do homework.
Besides her companionship, Beauty continually gave me hope, joy, motivation, and unconditional love everyday, but especially when life was incredibly challenging. She always saw the best in me, and I loved her more than anything or anyone in the world. She was never just a family dog, she was a unique family member, and we shared a very special bond. Having just come to terms with having to put down my cat, Violet, in March, Beauty’s death has been extremely traumatic. I have been lost without Beauty and have been forcing myself to be 'fine,' though I am anything but. First it was shock and denial, then a week full of anger, regret, and confusion; and now an infinite and painful emptiness fills my days. It hurts so much, sometimes I wonder if someone is not ripping my heart out of my chest. Regrettably, this pain has worsen due to my stupid, selfish, and callous behavior towards my dearest friends. I only hope it has not cost me the friendship of someone I care for very much.
I have been trying to work on LA STORIA in hopes of turning my grief into something beautiful, but the visceral pain I feel every time I start going through my notes, photographs, and research is completely debilitating. I was very happy in Italy and Europe and made many great plans, but now everything that I felt and experienced feel as though they were unreal and a lie someone created for me. I feel foolish and like such an idiot every time I remember anything about the trip, so much so, I cannot even talk about the trip other than to say it was mostly amazing. Feeling this way right now is a little more than I can withstand[1] right now. I have to put the project temporarily on hold, in order to give myself the self care I need to be able to accept what has happened and to not look back on matters with nothing but regrets. It's funny, when things like this happened when I was younger, driving myself full steam into my work was a saving grace. But now, seeing life from both sides, it's difficult to judge what's helpful and not.
So, what does this mean for the project and postings? Well, for one, the remaining postings will be in a different format and largely photographic until I can finish drawings and essays. From now until I am done, I will be releasing bits and pieces as they come.
I thank you for your patience.
Diedre xoxo
[1] Those of you who know me well, know that for me to say and share this with you means I’m really not doing well.